DING !

FOXNews.com - Pop Tarts: Did Angelina Jolie Give Lap Dance to Ex? - Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Arts And Entertainment

I have lately noticed a glaring lacuna in my commentaries. I have never written anything about the three most important topics in American life. I am speaking, of course, about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.

That "DING!" was the the sound of the toaster serving up our three hot, steaming, sticky pop tart tales this week.

Who says rehab doesn't work? Britney Spears, fresh from a stay in rehab, was observed celebrating her return to the real world at a party at an LA night spot called Teddy's. It has been reported that she was consuming what Rush Limbaugh refers to as "adult beverages." And, that she discarded her outer garments and frolicked in her underwear while her bodyguards attempted to block the view of other patrons of the club. You might ask, how does this prove the efficacy of rehab? Answer: Before rehab, she wasn't wearing underwear. I call that progress.

Jail is so unfair! It appears that numerous letters and petitions from prominent acquaintances and ordinary fans have been deluging California officials to protest the imminent jailing of Paris Hilton for a parole violation related to her DUI conviction. I have considerably less sympathy for Miss Hilton on her imminent, temporary loss of freedom than I had for Martha Stewart; all the hotel heiress had to do to stay out of trouble was leave the driving to her chauffeur until her parole was ended. Whether the PR campaign had any effect or not, she has dropped her appeal and the state has agreed to cut her sentence in half for good behavior and place her in a section of the facility reserved for cops, guards and others at heightened risk from other inmates.

On a happier, but puzzling, note - Maxim magazine has announced that Lindsay Lohan ranks #1 on their Hot 100 list. And, the accompanying photo is sufficiently modest that you can't tell whether she's wearing panties. I realize that Miss Lohan has come a long way from The Parent Trap; but, poised to launch herself into the realm of legal alcohol consumption on July 2, she still has the look, if not the reputation, of the wholesome girl next door.